Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Things I've Learned at College, Volume 1.

So... dating.
Can be really fun!
...it can also be terribly awkward.

If you decide to ask someone out, you better think of something fun for the two of you to do, because if not, you're unlikely to get that second date. And what you may think is fun may actually more closely resemble a strange form of torture for whoever you asked out.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me spell it out for you.

Now, it's been my experience that there are basically three options for the typical date.

1. A movie. Is this really a good idea for a first date? I submit that it is NOT. I just don't understand the thought process behind this. Hmmm.. let's see, I really want to get to know this person more, what's the best way to go about that? I know! We can go sit in a darkened, crowded room in uncomfortable chairs for 2 hours where there is very limited opportunity to talk. Does this logic escape people? Yes, yes it does. Because I've been subjected to many an awkward movie first date. Conversation is very restricted. You can really only converse during scenes, but that's obviously a bad idea. Most likely, the person isn't going to hear you, so they're going to do one of two things:
1. keep asking you to repeat what you said until they understand, while being shushed by all movie-goers in proximity;
2. pretend they heard what you said and react in whatever way they deem appropriate. This usually involves fake laughter and a nod or two.
And boys, if you decide to be courteous and select a chick flick for the girl's sake, keep in mind there's almost always a sex scene involved in these. Pretty much just as awkward as sitting through one of these with the parents. Wait til you know the person sitting next to you a little better before subjecting either of you to such humiliation, please.

Okay, moving on.
2. Bowling. Oh, how I hate bowling on the first date. And many girls share this opinion. It's just a terribly, terribly awkward situation from the moment you slip those lovely black and reds on your feet. Again, conversation is limited. You start talking about something, then have to get up and take your turn. This involves employing ridiculous body mechanics to hurl that heavy ball down the lane, followed by a period of waiting at the ball return, not knowing what to do with your hands-- there are only so many times you can adjust your hair, or fix your shirt, or pretend to flick a piece of lint from your arm. When you're done you return to your seat and try to resume the conversation again, only to have it interrupted when your date has to take his turn. You find little solace in watching him encounter the same awkward situations, because you know the moment he sits down, it'll be your turn again. And this continues for TEN ROUNDS. It's a sick, twisted game dreamed up by the dating gods, and I think a more entertaining activity would be going to the bowling alley just to watch all the people on first dates. Yeah. Bowling is NOT a good idea.

That brings us to:
3. Miniature golf. Similar in many ways to bowling, but with added drawbacks. First of all, it involves much more coordination. The ball is small, and the hole it has to fit in is never in an easily-accessible spot. Try to picture the scenario. You're hunkered down over an undersized club, trying to line up a shot the best you can. You hear your date ask you something, but you're a little preoccupied concentrating, so you're lucky if you can come up with a valid answer, much less a clever one. I'm sure every girl can identify a time mini golfing when she had to repeatedly hit the ball up a slight slope only to watch it roll back down. And of course, there's always the high likelihood of your ball flying off in unfavorable directions, such as under a bush. Then you're required to crawl around on your hands and knees looking for the stupid thing. It's actually pretty funny, and can be a good conversation topic... until it happens multiple times on the front nine. All in all, not such a fun activity for the first date.

Let me clarify: all three of these things are actually really fun, but wait til at least the third date please. By that point, you've gotten to know each other well enough to feel more comfortable sitting through a movie together or making fun of each other while playing half-sports like bowling or mini golf. And if you just can't think of any other date ideas, take heart: sometimes these dates turn out okay after all.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Don't worry. It's finals week and the most productive thing I've done all day is reach 8,000 points on Farkle. (If you are unaware as to what this is, please visit here. And prepare to be addicted.)

When I was in high school, my baby sister gave me a stopwatch. It was nothing special, just one of those cheapo ones that I'm sure she won by selling a certain number of coupon books or something. But it made me remember the times when we'd set up the "Olympics" in our yard and time ourselves running around the house and jumping over the wall in the front yard. Touched, I kept it. That night as I was sleeping I was awakened by an obnoxious chirping noise. The stopwatch was going off. I pushed every combination of buttons I could come up with to no avail. After two minutes, it stopped. The next night, it happened again. Again, I couldn't get it to stop. I stuffed it into my sock drawer, which muffled the beeping to a bearable level. From then on, almost every night I would hear the beeping. Many times I nearly flung that little green watch out the window, but I thought of Andie and just couldn't do it. I'm sure in all reality she had experienced the same problem with the stupid thing, so she passed it along to me, but I kept it regardless.

Anywho, it's been 6 years since she gave me that cheapo stopwatch. And last week when I slept at my parents house, I was awakened by a muted, slightly garbled beeping noise. So I guess not everything made in China is crap. And if you're in the market for a good stopwatch, I'd suggest you look into selling coupon books.

Friday, October 23, 2009


So today I was doing my stalking thing and I came across a hilarious post from a girl I knew in high school (junior high too, actually) but never was really friends with. I think if we were to see each other we might try to make conversation, but then we'd realize we really never had anything to catch up on in the first place, so we'd walk away awkwardly. Anyway. I was creepily looking on her blog and she had the most hilarious posts of random thoughts. I agreed with many of them, which I am posting below.

--Nothing is funnier than watching someone walk into a spiderweb.
-- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
-- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
--Sometimes I get extremely impatient/furious with people. Like I want to light them on fire.
-- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
--I love when I start to daydream and stare off into space and realize I was staring at someone who realized I was staring at them too.. no crap.. I wasn't looking at you... I was... bah.
--Waiting to go into a public restroom is embarrassing. Especially when its a unisex one. And a guy comes out.
-- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
--Sometimes I run into people I haven't seen since high school and I say stupid things like "Hey hows that baby?? Your trip sure sounded fun!" and completely blow my I-So-Do-Not-Stalk-Your-Blog cover.
--College amplifies ALL characteristics. Including stupidity.
--Google Maps should start their directions on #5... pretty sure I know how to back out of my driveway and exit my neighborhood.
--Ever watched someone and their internal dialogue? I love seeing people argue with themselves.
--Nothing hurts my brain worse then having to look at a loaf of bread that costs 2.04 and then figure out how much it really costs after tax. I'm moving to Oregon.
--I love when I get a text and then call the sender of the text 2 seconds later only to get their voicemail... what did you do text me, drop your phone, and run?
--I hate when someone I haven't talked to in a very long time texts me and asks for someone else's number. Am I not cool enough to talk to?

So thank you, random girl from high school. Maybe if we ever run into each other I'll bring up this post. Then you'll realize how creepy I am, and laugh to yourself because... well, you're probably creepy too.